Posts Tagged ‘hockey’

Attention, all “sportscasters”:

Friday, May 14th, 2010

Please be advised that every last one of you sounds like an utter moron whenever you say “Stanley Cups”, as if there are more than one. Contrary to what was reported on ESPN this morning, Mark Messier did not “win five Stanley Cups”. He won THE Stanley Cup FIVE TIMES!

Every time one of you dipsticks refers to the Stanley Cup in the plural, a cruise ship mows down a manatee.

Thank you for your attention to this matter.

(Photo courtesy of, and featuring, my Pittsburgh friend PVezz with her man and the Cup on the ice at [soon-to-be demolished] Mellon Arena some time after the Penguins’ win of the Cup last year.)

Hockey Advisory

Thursday, April 15th, 2010

As the Colorado Avalanche opened up their improbable playoff run last night with a 2-1 win over the San Jose Sharks, I noticed something I think is worth mentioning…

Attention, San Jose Sharks fans: Not only does it sound stupid when you chant, “LET’S go SHAR–aarks!” because you’re trying to stretch one syllable into two, but it also sounds like you’re chanting, “LET’S go SHAR–ARTS”. Please be advised.

Oh, if anyone is wondering how a playoff run can be “improbable” after only one game, I’ll clarify — according to nearly every talking head going into this season, this team is way too young and immature to have any business being in the playoffs. Now they at least have temporary possession of home-ice advantage.

Neener!

(Also, would someone at Altitude TV please show Kyle Keefe a map of California? Twice last night in an otherwise excellent post-game show he referred to San Jose as being in southern California. Oops.)

So Long Naughties, Hello Teenies!

Friday, January 1st, 2010

Thanks to Wayne for the spot-on naming of these two decades. I was struggling to find a pitch I could hit on the subject, and this guy not only stepped up to the plate, he shouldered me out of the batter’s box and hit two over The Green Monster and out onto Landsdowne Street.

“Okay”, you may (or may not) ask, “What’s with the Fenway Park imagery coming from a guy who is most emphatically NOT a Red Sox fan?” Easily explained: I’m now watching the Philadelphia Flyers against the Boston Bruins at Fenway. For those who are hockey clueless not aware, this marks the third straight year that NHL commissioner Gary Bettman’s crazy-ass innovative experiment in staging an outdoor, yes-it-counts regular season game in a ballpark on New Year’s Day. And in pre-game activities, I just watched Bob Costas introduce the Dropkick Murphys. Extremely, simultaneously, cool and bizarre. Thus is the third annual “NHL Winter Classic”

Happy New Year, and Happy New Decade. And to those who would argue that because there was no “Year Zero” and the new decade therefore does not begin until 12:00:01 AM, January 1, 2011, I can only say: STFU and watch some hockey. And don’t miss the fact that you’re getting actual aerial blimp shots of that hockey game, which is something about as common as a kept campaign promise!

Did someone say “shots”?

In case no one has noticed, it’s also hockey season!

Tuesday, November 3rd, 2009

Well, with the Broncos having now endured their first loss of the season and the Avalanche off to their best start ever, a conversation I had not long ago got me to thinking about the one and only time I heckled a professional athlete (it was pretty mild, I’m not the mean type) — and I thought you folks might enjoy the tale. It does require a bit of set-up, though:

2000 Western Conference Finals, Dallas Stars v. Colorado Avalanche, Game 3 or 4 (I forget; we went to a lot of playoff games in those days). A few months before, early in the season, hockey fans may remember that then-Stars goalie Ed Belfour had a slight but very well publicized drunken run-in with the law in Dallas. After being cuffed for a disturbance beef in a local hotel and barfing in the back of their cruiser, Belfour was flirting with a law enforcement bribery charge for telling the cops involved, “I’ll give you a billion dollars to let me go.” (He was in some serious soup, until — as I recall — the district attorney decided that it had to be a joke due to the amount. Imagine if he had said “million” instead! Lucky for Eddie, he got off with only “drunk and disorderly”.) (I think.)

Anyway, fast forward back to May 2000. Lester had made her second-best ever playoff ticket score (thank every God ever dreamed up that I married a hot Italian sports fan who loves to cook) and as a result we had seats just above the corner glass, not more than maybe 10 rows up, in the Avs’ attack-twice zone. Pretty sweet, no? No, because Belfour was standing on his head and pitching a shutout while Patrick Roy had given up four goals on twelve shots in the first period. Nothing good happened in the second, either.

Well, I’ve never shied away from a chance to make an audience laugh, even if it isn’t mine, and I got lucky. During the usual mini-skate-around just before the third period as Belfour was doing that goalie thing back and forth across the crease, one of those rare moments when there was no sound booming out of the PA and the crowd was sufficiently quiet happened, and I bellowed out, “Hey, Eddie! I’ll give you a billion dollars to let one by!”

I busted up at least two sections with that, two guys came over to high five me (I was on the aisle), and there’s no possible doubt Belfour heard me — during the first stop in play, a woman from a few rows down came to tell me she’d seen him grinning through his mask. So credit Eddie with having a sense of humor. Oh, and the win — Dallas 4, Colorado 1.

Like I said, I’m not the mean type, even though I did not pay up for that late goal. And we only had to wait one more season for the Avalanche to reward us with their second win of Lord Stanley’s Cup. (That was when Lester made her best ever playoff ticket score. Another story for another night…)

bourque_cup_2001