Archive for the ‘Ain't that America?’ Category

911: Government Supported Dial-A-Prayer

Monday, August 16th, 2010

It was reported by Neil Boortz — and posted — today that the following is (more likely was, given the date) an actual Craigslist personals ad. God, I hope so! Yay Second Amendment!

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend’s purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I’d like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn’t expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head … isn’t it?!

45

I know it probably wasn’t fun walking back to wherever you’d come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I’m sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother or “Momma” as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you’d done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station — on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink “pimp mobile” that was parked at the curb … after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver’s side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what’s going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA’s office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.). In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you…. but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you’ve chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,

Alex

(Thanks to Rita Jinkins Knit!)

This is the sort of proselytizing I can support!

Wednesday, June 30th, 2010

I am now sufficiently old and cynical to have learned that whenever I hear the doorbell, it is invariably someone who wants my money, time, or both. About 50% of the time I will tell the offending party, “Better luck elsewhere,” and the other half I just tell off. But these guys are talkin’ my language:

mice

To boldly smell like no man has smelled before!

Thursday, June 24th, 2010

I wonder if their marketing people realize that any nerd guy who would remotely want to wear this automatically knows that the “red shirts” always end up dead:

bcdc_red_shirt_star_trek_cologne

Steiners + Chapmans = I like

Wednesday, June 9th, 2010

pagekimdogbeth

Attention, anyone who is paying any attention to the Gulf oil spill:

Wednesday, June 9th, 2010

My good friend Chris Johnson is not only a marine biologist but one hell of an intelligent guy. I have absolute faith in his expertise and, if this is what he says needs to happen, I believe it and I hope you do too. Please read:

It is time for a new CJ Rant, not because the calendar flips, but because sometimes you hit an absolute brick wall. (Punctuation problems- see below).

Some of you know that I have some areas of expertise. These do not include tips for hair management, because I have little and notice it less. I am very expert in water chemistry and pollutant impacts. Im really pretty good at this stuff. Some people consider me the best at this stuff and they pay me to fix their water chemistry problems.

50 days in, and I have played by all of the rules. I have fed every back channel with polite requests for information, followed every detail and I am dumbfounded at where we stand, with respect to the Deepwater Horizon leak.

As a society, we are missing something that is purposely being obscured, in my opinion. I beleieve it is purposeful, because I am an expert and this issue, so late in the game, is given no traction. That is not accidentally possible.

There are abundant means that I can detail, for vastly reducing the impacts from the oil, to the Gulf of Mexico. I cannot speak to the leak itself, nor the cause of the leak, though I remain informed. Oil is being hosed into the Gulf, even with attempts to reduce the rate, without significant efforts being employed to reduce the impacts from the oil, itself.

This is being done, in my opinion, purposefully.

You have all, or some, seen such plans as straw, or Kevin Costners centrifuge boats, or the Saudi distillation ship discussed, yet none are being implemented. All that is used is Skimmer technology, scooping oil off of the surface of the Gulf. Does that strike anybody as curious?

I assure you, I know these other (beside Skimmer), technologies well and they work just fine, for what they do. Which is fine, and should be done. However, we cant use them.

We cant use them, because of the Clean Water Act. You see, even the best of these methods only claim they will clean water at a rate of 99 percent and my personal experience with them is that they are lucky to achieve 90 percent, in actual field conditions.

However, lets pretend we can get a 99 percent rate of clean water discharge, or even a 99.5 percent rate of clean water discharge, for the sake of discussion. You must envision this process, for that is what it is, as a process that discharges huge volumes of water into the Gulf.

Under the Clean Water Act, you cannot discharge water into the Gulf that has a concentration of TRPH, Total Recoverable Petroleum Hydrocarbons, of greater than 5,000 parts per million thats 0.5 percent. Under the Clean Water Act, you cannot clean 99.5 percent of the oil impacting the Gulf of Mexico out of the water, because you cannot discharge the relatively clean water back into the Gulf.

I honestly believe that I have done everything I can personally do to mitigate this issue, so that well-meaning people can attempt to clean up the environmental side of this mess, at a rate approaching 90 percent, or above. There is math involved, but it is simple. There is politics involved, which is not so simple.

It would take nothing, not the expenditure of a single tax dollar, to suspend the Clean Water Act standards, for the purpose of this clean-up effort. I am aware that there are people that dont want to create that precedent, but those people are not important to me.

I have tried to back-channel this in a polite and circumspect fashion. I have, after 50 days, no hope left that that will have any timely impact. I have already tried well-placed emails, phone calls, etc. There is a brick wall, possibly due to filtering crackpots.

This is not a federal effort. If this were a federal effort, it would wind up costing vastly more, but I would be on the inside. This is a split effort and my voice has no traction. Under a unified effort, I promise, nothing would get done without other people in charge hearing my misgivings, every day, many times a day. I can be that annoying, when advocating the numbers and facts. I never quit and I am not quitting now.

There is nothing I wont try, when I am trying to fix an environmental problem. Rule Number One, fix the leak. Well, please quit with the obvious ideas that everybody is working on. I get drawings everyday of efforts and am pretty sure that people that know what they are doing are working on that.

Heres a simple, implementable, idea. Fix what you can. In the absence of action by the federal government to temporarily waive the Clean Water Act standards, we are going to have dirtier water.

My keyboard has been acting up and I apologize for my lack of punctuation in this post, but hope that does not detract from my seriousness. Tonight, I cant use apstrophes, or semicolons.

We need federal leadership to allow simple action that would greatly improve upon the situation in the Gulf. No private citizen can make those improvements in the action in the Gulf, legally, in the absence of federal leadership. The lawyers are already swarming.

Please, help me to get this message out, 50 days too late. I am personally stunned that it has taken this much effort, still is taking this much effort, to get the people in charge to notice and rectify what should be a simple standard waived, on a temporary basis.

Most people that read my posts understand that I am a marine biologist that cleans water. Please imagine what it must be liike to be a marine biologist that cant clean water, because a technicality in the rules prevented me from doing so. There are thousands of people, just like me, that face federal prosecution, were they to discharge water into the Gulf that is only 99.5 percent cleaned.

The federal government does not clean water. The federal government enforces standards that people that clean water must adhere to. In my experienced opinion, that standard, for this event should be reduced from 99.6 percent to around 90 percent. Whom amongst us, during this event, doesnt think that a reduction of the impact by 90 percent would be good? If, on a good day, that gets up to 99 percent, is that bad?

Unfortunately, you have to achieve 99.6 percent, and prove it, during every minute of your effort.

I swear I am not making this up, as stupid as this sounds. Please help me get this out and please deamnd a fedrally declared waiver of the rules, without fudge. There is no reason for preventing water from being cleaned, except that you must have somewhere to discharge the huge volume of cleaned water. You cant imagine the problem, even if you have a lab onboard, of documenting that you have 99.6 percent cleaned water Your ship is full. You await permission to discharge water.

Equal time for Philliefan

Wednesday, May 19th, 2010

Unlike my earlier post, I don’t have a major gripe to address regarding baseball announcers nor will any manatees be in harm’s way this time (well, no more than they normally are, anyway).

But my friend Barb alerted me to this, as she put it, “copycat photo” and I feel it deserves a post of its own. Inspired by my posting of Paula’s pic with her guy and the Stanley Cup, Barb’s recent excursion to Citizen’s Bank Park resulted in the following act of goofiness she had to explain to her companions devoted fandom with the Commissioner’s Trophy:

I just wish that our picture of Lester, The Dude and me with the Stanley Cup nine years ago wasn’t trapped on an ancient Mac that I can never seem to get around to taking to my local computer folks to mine it for that pic and a lot of other stuff, including the first draft of my novel. I promise to get it done some time before The Grrl (who was too young to take to our encounter with the Cup) graduates high school. Considering that she’s graduating middle school this week, that should give me enough time.

By the way, Barb, this demonstration that our friendship transcends any sports grudges I hold rivalries we share means that at the first opportunity we get, lunch is on you. Yes, I’m aware that the Phillies really just got even with the Rox for their sweep (!) in ‘07. But seeing as your guys committed the more recent offense… ;-)

Testing using Journey

Saturday, May 8th, 2010

This is a test post to see if I can get my phone to play nice with my blog. However, most of you know by now that I never put up anything completely worthless, so here’s your added value — I took this pic on the old RedMex route. Somebody with a pretty sharp sense of humor got some stencils and spray paint and tagged more than a few of these in the neighborhood, and this was my favorite:

image

Just in time for The Summer Concert Season

Saturday, May 8th, 2010

As a public service, this blog would like to provide the following guide to correctly identifying each act you will encounter at your varying summer music festivals which prompts you to ask, “Who the hell is that?”

Presenting Every Summer Music Festival You’ve Ever Been To:

Every-Summer-Music-Festival-Youve-Ever-Been-To

(Thanks to collegehumor.com)

The Late Late (not “latent”) Show

Tuesday, May 4th, 2010

Just watched Morgan Freeman on Craig Ferguson, followed by Kate Mara. My only two man crushes spilleth over, and extremely hot young redhead actress with a small part in Iron Man II to plug immediately follows.

So if I were in their company after the taping, who would hold the camera?

THE CAMERA PERSON, you sick, twisted people — we would still be standing on Craig’s floor at CBS! Never mind that I’m straight, married and my wife was already asleep and therefore couldn’t join in… jeeze, some of your thoughts scare me.

Okay, somewhat seriously, Kate Mara is a very sweet and beautiful young lady who I would have pursued doggedly in 1989. She had a really great movie part to plug, really great because she got to work with Robert Downey Jr., who in my opinion is the best comeback story since “Rocky”. But what do I know; all I can do is show you a picture of us with one of this year’s Oscars telecast writers, summoned by main host Steve Martin for the second time.

Supplied upon request only, I also have a picture I took of my wife with Joan Jett. Sorry, no autographs. Well, okay, but only if you ask very nicely.

50 Lessons We’ve Learned From The Movies

Monday, May 3rd, 2010

This made the rounds a while back, and I wish I could claim it, but I think it’s sufficiently good (and not beaten to death) that it’s worth posting:

UPDATE: The illustrious MartiniShark informs me that, quote, “These are all entrants in Roger Ebert’s Little Movie Glossary.” Yay, I can accurately credit this piece! Assuming he’s right, that is… but this is a guy I will take on faith:

1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick’s Day parade – at any time of the year.

2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.

3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one loaf of French bread.

4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off – even while scuba diving.

5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

8. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

9. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note – just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

10. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.

11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.

12. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.

13. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

14. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

15. All single women have a cat.

16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

17. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.

18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

19. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings – especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.

20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts – your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.

21. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.

22. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

23. Dogs always know who’s bad and will naturally bark at them.

24. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

25. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man-eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

26. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son’s eighth birthday.

27. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.

28. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

29. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

30. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

31. If you decide to hack into the CIA database, all you need is a laptop and an internt connection. it will usually take about 10 seconds to get into the system and you will usually be undetected.

32. No matter how dirty the water is, it is still possible for you to jump in and open your eyes underwater. You’ll be able to see everything clearly and your eyes wont hurt.

33. In every bar you go into, the bartender will always know how to make any and every long named drink of your choice.

34. When walking in a quiet and dark area, its only fair to ask if someone is there.

35. It’s always possible to outrun an explosion or fireball by running straight towards the camera, sometimes in slow motion.

36. The prologue and/or epilogue, when applicable, is always narrated by a soothing calm monotone voiced individual, preferably Morgan Freeman.

37. Never be afraid to jump off of a building into an open dumpster, as the contents will most likely always be clean, fluffy garbage bags.

38. Most police officers HATE partners. If they do have a partner that they trust and like, s/he will die.

39. The last bad guy in a shootout is too tough to die fast like everyone else. He must pretend to give up or be dead, and suddenly try to shoot one of the good guys. Then and only then can he die quickly.

40. Cars can screech tires and burn rubber even if they’re on gravel or sand.

41. Everybody’s phone number starts with 555.

42. Monsters always make noise before attacking.

43. If you have face stubble, you have a dark mysterious past.

44. Ancient Romans had English accents.

45. Nobody has morning breath in the movies…the first thing a couple does is kiss each other when they wake up.

46. All helicopter crashes occur on the other side of the mountain.

47. Computers in sci-fi films have either male or female voices that speak in a calm, reassuring tone even in the most extreme situations.

48. In high speed chases, no car ever runs out of gas.

49. Funerals usually happen when it rains. The hardest, bravest, coolest person is usually the one without an umbrella or hat and usually stands alone either to the side or behind everyone.

50. If you’re a female who has never been on a date or even been hit on, don’t worry. All it takes is some contacts, new hair styles, and new clothes to make you the baddest bitch in town.