UPDATE To Reggie Wayne: Pass on the ground, pass on the ground, lookin’ like a fool with your pass on the ground!
To Southerngirl: I told you, have faith. Oh, and I want a t-shirt.
Once again, for luck:
February 7th, 2010Souldies!
February 6th, 2010If you’re lucky (and you are not among the heretics people who have totally abandoned radio), there’s a “souldies” station in your market. Pronounced so that it rhymes with “oldies”, it’s a format name I made up back when Denver had a classic soul station and damn, I still miss it. But the ownership of the station, as is so often the case in radio, built a loyal listener and advertiser base — thank you, Tower Liquors — but didn’t get high enough ratings (in a heavily saturated market) to satisfy some out-of-town suit, so they applied the Genghis Kahn Approach to Radio Programming and pulled the plug and flipped the format to country. Believe me when I say Denver needed another country station like Detroit needs another abandoned building.
In honor of tonight’s VH-1 Soul Train documentary and also because Lester made some good finds the other night that got me to missing this amazing music all over again, I’ll share a few with you over a series of posts, like I did with the one-hit-wonders last year.
First up: Tower of Power!
Here’s wishing you all peace, love — and SOUL!
I once saw a picture of a lady, with a baby…
February 4th, 2010Weak in this context, I know, but it’s the only Led Zeppelin lyric I could think of that references a kid (the song is “Night Flight”). Anyway, you gotta check this little guy out:
All aboard the Super Bowl bandwagon, 2010 Edition
February 3rd, 2010Come on, did anyone really think I could choose otherwise?
Please — much as we Broncos fans loathe because he’s killed us for years now admire the class act and surgeon-like quarterback precision that is Peyton Manning, I think you’ll find most of us hopping on “The Streetcar Named ‘Who Dat?’”. Mainly because, hey — Peyton got his already! Mo-om! Peyton’s hogging all the cookies!
No, it’s really more like this — we love the underdog when our dog isn’t in the hunt, and the Broncos very much benefited from this feeling from all around the country if not the world when they wore that hat in 1996-97 against the “Hey, Brett got his already!” Green Bay Packers in Super Bowl XXXII. Maybe not so much the next year against the never-been-there-before-or-since Atlanta Falcons, but Hah! That didn’t matter! Woo Hoo!! REpeat!! John Elway retires a champ!!! be that as it may, time for Broncos fans to pay it forward. This blog hereby does — a Mile High Salute to ya, Who Dat Nation!
We expect etoufee in return.
(PS: For any New Orleans fans to whom the Super Bowl staple “guacamole” is an alien substance, I have a good recipe. Finding avocados down there, though, you’re on your own. Try asking your produce people for “Alligator Pears”; it might help.)
Well, now, let’s try out the new CrapCam!
February 2nd, 2010I’ve been meaning to brag on my ownership of this book for quite some time now, and now that I have replaced the old phone, let’s see how this one measures up with only the light above my bar to work with:
As you might imagine, meeting the man was a pretty big deal for me. It was kind of sad having The Dude ask me, “Who?” when I told him I was going to meet Gene Kranz. But he looked properly impressed after I told him, “You know, NASA Flight Director — the guy Ed Harris played in ‘Apollo 13′, for God’s sake!”
Damned public schools. Don’t get me started (again).
If you’re (not “your”) thinking about getting an iPad:
January 29th, 2010
Feminine hygiene product jokes aside, there are still some things you may want to consider. Here is some pretty funny consumer guidance for your edification.
I think they can expect their signs to get bumped, too!
January 27th, 2010The following story is courtesy of KUSA-TV, known locally as “9News”:
Nazi group bumped from adopted highway by Baptists
DENVER – The Colorado Department of Transportation announced on Wednesday that due to an error in processing an Adopt-A-Highway contract, will not get to adopt the stretch of highway it initially wanted.
CDOT took the full blame for a contractual processing error and apologized for the confusion, saying the Elmwood Baptist Church had already adopted the stretch of highway on US 85 from 144th Avenue to Bridge Street in Brighton.
A spokesman for CDOT says transportation officials contacted both groups and were able to reach an “amicable resolution.”
The National Socialist Movement group is now adopting a stretch of US 85 from Bridge Street to just south of 186th Avenue, according to CDOT.
Yes, we are talking about the “socialists” who wear the swastika and all that. And they get the stretch of US 85 from the heart of my town to the north end. I imagine that if they’re out doing their good deeds, visibly and in uniform, they run the risk of actually increasing the amount of trash thrown preferably directly at them out along that stretch of highway.
This is the title of the post where I tell you about another post…
January 26th, 2010…which is absolutely brilliant and which I will get to shortly. All this came about when, on Facebook, yet another of those smarmy opinionated “status updates” came around, this one in particular, for the fourth time in three days:
“Shame on you America: the only country where we have homeless without shelter, children going to bed without eating, elderly going without needed meds, and mentally ill without treatment – yet we have a benefit for the people of Haiti on 12 TV stations. 99% of people won’t have the guts to copy and repost this as their status…”
I have no strong feelings on what’s expressed here — donate or not as suits you; makes no more difference to me than whether you put ketchup on your baked potatoes and dip your fries in sour cream. But the arrogance contained therein — shame on everyone in the country who had nothing to do with producing or airing that telethon? Piss off, mate! — galls me just to the point of my sending this out on Facebook:
“Shame on you, Facebook users: far too few of you are composing semi-thought-out positions on potentially divisive issues and force-feeding them to your friends list on a daily basis. 94.7% of people won’t have the temerity to copy and paste this, or be able to define ‘temerity’ without looking it up.”
Which, if you care to look (my Facebook profile is the first under “Links” in the right sidebar here and I will friend anyone who tells me in their request that they got there from here), got more than a few humorous responses. The best of these came from the also brilliant Lairbo, who instead of being humorous himself merely said, “You might like this.”
That link will take you to the aforementioned brilliant blog post, authored by Chris Clarke, which in my opinion is the best thing I’ve read this decade (yes, I’m aware of the date). Make sure you read at least a portion of the dozens (hundreds?) of comments — many are as good as the post itself! By the way, Lairbo says the credit for the find goes to his friend Ed Hall. And since it was “frontpaged” on Fark last night, you may be seeing it elsewhere.
I think I’ll be buying Chris Clarke’s book on the basis of that post alone.
(Finally, a footnote: Also gleaned from Mr. Clarke’s blog was knowledge of a blog traffic counter that is new to me, and now to this blog, and which is — now — visible to you fine folks. It’s down at the bottom of the right sidebar.)
Beelzebub Has An “Oh, s#!t” Put Aside For Thee!
January 22nd, 2010This is a new one on me, your mileage may vary. Fake/staged/crazy Brit advert or not, I don’t care; this is damned funny!
The Devil Went Down To Haiti
January 16th, 2010By now, you have heard of the moronic misguided musings of Pat Robertson regarding Haiti and its “pact with the devil”, have you not? If not, here it is with some editorializing from whoever posted this. Be advised that by the 1:30 mark, all relevance is pretty much already had:
And now, thanks to my friend and huge influence, the legendary Raechel Donahue, I became aware today of the following most excellent satirical response in the form of a “letter to Pat Robertson from Satan”, the actual delivery of which was a letter to the editor of the Minneapolis Star-Tribune. This is truly one of those things I wish I had thought to write. The author is Lily Coyle of Minneapolis, and she is my newest object of admiration:
Dear Pat Robertson,
I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I’m all over that action.
But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I’m no welcher. The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished. Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth — glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake. Haven’t you seen “Crossroads”? Or “Damn Yankees”?
If I had a thing going with Haiti, there’d be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox — that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it — I’m just saying: Not how I roll.
You’re doing great work, Pat, and I don’t want to clip your wings — just, come on, you’re making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That’s working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract.
Best, Satan
Your help is needed. EVERYONE’S help is needed.
January 13th, 2010I am completely banjaxed by the news out of Haiti. One high-ranking government official says as many as a half-million may be dead, but of course there’s no way to estimate and all sources are backing away from any solid numbers. Chilling words from Haitian President Rene Preval being quoted in the Miami Herald. And as I type this, CNN has him in a live interview at the (devastated) Port-Au-Prince airport, saying that even he is homeless, the Presidential Palace having also been destroyed.
Two easy ways to help I want to pass along: to donate $10 directly to the American Red Cross, text “Haiti” to 90999. To donate $5 to Haitian native Wyclef Jean’s “Yele Haiti” fund (100% going to relief, no parasites involved is the claim), text “Yele” to 501501, or follow that link to donate a different amount.
And if you are so inclined, definitely pray for Haiti. They need all the goodwill they can get.
UPDATE: As of 4:30 PM EST Friday the 15th, it is estimated that more than $8M has been donated to the Red Cross through the above method alone, and millions more to other relief efforts. Keep spreading the word, it’s going to take a lot more!
Fun and games at the expense of random celebrities? Of COURSE I signed up!
January 9th, 2010Sad, but true — I have been getting a pathetic large amount of my “funny guy” itch scratched by indulging in the activity shown below, at a composite website that the failblog.org and engrishfunny.com people have allowed to grow wildly out of control put together. Anybody with an email account has seen the dog-and-or-cat pics that have been captioned and passed around the last several years at last giving little old church ladies something to do on the internet, but that’s just not me. And the cutesy-misspelled-on-purpose thing makes me bilious.
However and in my defense, somewhere along the way, I became aware that their main “kitteh” (gag) site had been expanded to include celebrities, sports and news figures as targets participants. Well, to a former professional smart-ass that’s a free pass to a shooting gallery and, according to 312 users who have “favorite-ed” 13 of these things I’ve done, I can still shoot:
That’s the second of two that the site saw fit to post on their “Front Page”, but the other was a picture of Megan Fox on a cold day I tagged with a cheap Braille joke that drew more than 1,000 rankings of four-plus out of five that I now won’t even bother to dig up, which gives you an idea just how easy it is to rock-star this stuff. At any rate, I’ve done better than that:
For our third and final selection, for this post anyway, I let The Grrl choose her favorite from among my remaining wastes of time flashes of genius:
Well, okay, since The Grrl and I (she’s been making her blog debut by helping with this post) went and included a Metallica link above, we’ll do a little encore here with Lars Ulrich. It’s okay if you don’t get the gag, so long as you take it on faith that it’s damned funny. At least to us.
I really miss the Rocky Mountain News!
January 5th, 2010The slow death by attrition of the newspaper industry claimed the best newspaper to which I ever subscribed early last year, and I still mourn the loss. It was bad enough when they lost man-about-town columnist (and only guy I ever met who can absolutely make an eye patch look cool) Norm Clarke to the Las Vegas Review-Journal about ten years back.
But even now, well after the death of the entire paper, I really miss seeing our son, The Dude, in the comics on a semi-regular basis:
And yes, I know that the Denver Post picked up “Zits” (brilliantly written and drawn by Jerry Scott and Jim Borgman) and many other fine comics (and writers) from the RMN. It still just ain’t the same.
So Long Naughties, Hello Teenies!
January 1st, 2010Thanks to Wayne for the spot-on naming of these two decades. I was struggling to find a pitch I could hit on the subject, and this guy not only stepped up to the plate, he shouldered me out of the batter’s box and hit two over The Green Monster and out onto Landsdowne Street.
“Okay”, you may (or may not) ask, “What’s with the Fenway Park imagery coming from a guy who is most emphatically NOT a Red Sox fan?” Easily explained: I’m now watching the Philadelphia Flyers against the Boston Bruins at Fenway. For those who are hockey clueless not aware, this marks the third straight year that NHL commissioner Gary Bettman’s crazy-ass innovative experiment in staging an outdoor, yes-it-counts regular season game in a ballpark on New Year’s Day. And in pre-game activities, I just watched Bob Costas introduce the Dropkick Murphys. Extremely, simultaneously, cool and bizarre. Thus is the third annual “NHL Winter Classic”
Happy New Year, and Happy New Decade. And to those who would argue that because there was no “Year Zero” and the new decade therefore does not begin until 12:00:01 AM, January 1, 2011, I can only say: STFU and watch some hockey. And don’t miss the fact that you’re getting actual aerial blimp shots of that hockey game, which is something about as common as a kept campaign promise!
Did someone say “shots”?
Closing a decade with Facebook
December 30th, 2009I like to think that my friends are a fairly diverse group. Certainly seems to be the case with my Facebook friends. Here is a status update from my good friend in South Africa, not 30 minutes old:
“As the first decade of the 21st century draws to a close and we reflect on the 10 years past, I can say without fear of contradiction that the events of the 11th day of September 2001 changed all our lives forever. We need to put all the bad things behind us as we face the next 10 years and so I wish all my dear friends a prosperous 2010 and beyond. Happy new year.”
The very next thing to appear from another Facebook friend, within five minutes of the above, was this:
“WHAT A DIFFERENCE a new mascara can make!!!!!!!”
They keep saying diversity is good. I’m inclined to agree, otherwise I couldn’t enjoy the laugh I am now having at the above ridiculousness ironic juxtaposition.
A Look Back @ 2009, II…
December 29th, 2009…as only the JibJab folks can do it!
Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!
A Look Back @ 2009…
December 28th, 2009
This Just In:
December 21st, 2009
About a month ago, I started entertaining folks on Facebook with goofy anagrams of NFL team names. These have drawn an inordinate amount of LOLs LMFAOs praise and merriment. Why, I have no idea. But it seems a good idea to collect them:
“Cleveland Browns” can be rearranged to spell “Blown Nerd Calves”.
“Dallas Cowboys” can be rearranged to spell “Away, Slob Clods”.
“Kansas City Chiefs” can be rearranged to spell “Icy Stink Ass Chafe”
“Tennessee Titans” can be rearranged to spell “Tense Teen Stain”.
“Buffalo Bills” can be rearranged to spell “Flub Lobs, Fail”
“Jacksonville Jaguars” can be rearranged to spell “Go Jell Junk Ass Caviar”
“Saint Louis Rams” can be rearranged to spell “Sir Salami Snout”
“New England Patriots” can be rearranged to spell “A Wandering Snot Pelt”
“Baltimore Ravens” can be rearranged to spell “A Slim Torn Beaver”
“Philadelphia Eagles” can be rearranged to spell “Algae Lied, Help A Ship”
“San Diego Chargers” can be rearranged to spell “A Rancher’s Doggies”
“Minnesota Vikings” can be rearranged to spell, “Insane Kings Vomit”
“Indianapolis Colts” can be rearranged to spell “I Soil Anal Doc Pints”
“New York Giants” can be rearranged to spell, “Greasy Town Kin”
“Pittsburgh Steelers” can be rearranged to spell “Piglet’s Beer Thrusts”
“Cincinnati Bengals” can be rearranged to spell “Bang Lactic Ninnies”
“Seattle Seahawks” can be rearranged to spell “Weasels Take Hats”
“Miami Dolphins” can be rearranged to spell “Mi Nips Had Limo”
“Oakland Raiders” can be rearranged to spell “Dried Anal Okras”
“New Orleans Saints” can be rearranged to spell “Nasal Snot Wieners”
“San Francisco Forty Niners” can be rearranged to spell “A Canines’ Corny Riff Snorts”
And after yesterday’s completely inexcusable loss to the Dried Anal Okras, it must be said that “Denver Broncos” can be rearranged to spell “Be Corn Vendors”.
The teams I have not yet totally dissed so honored are:
“Houston Texans”
“New York Jets”
“Carolina Panthers”
“Atlanta Falcons”
“Green Bay Packers”
Because I doubt I’ll get around to all of them before the playoffs, feel free to play with what’s left your contributions are welcome.
UPDATE: “Chicago Bears” can be rearranged to spell “Big Roach Case”
UPDATE II: “Tampa Bay Buccaneers” can be rearranged to spell “Can Pa Be A Bay’s Rectum?”
UPDATE III: “Washington Redskins” can be rearranged to spell “Snot Dishing Wankers”.
UPDATE IV: “Arizona Cardinals” can be rearranged to spell “Ran A Casino Lizard”.
UPDATE V: “Detroit Lions” can be rearranged to spell “Lose Into Dirt”. Yes, that one was almost too easy.
Discuss:
December 20th, 2009
The invitation is to discuss whether you fans of either Rush find this funny, and is absolutely NOT intended to incite a flame war.
